i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
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