So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
