Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
