I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Randomize
