he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
