Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
