I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Randomize
