something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
