saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Randomize
