I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
