ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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