I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.