I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Randomize
