so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
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