We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Randomize
