update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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