The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
