I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
