I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
