Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
