this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
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