i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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