went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
