I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
