Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
