gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
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