The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Randomize
