ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
