I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
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