i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
