Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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