i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
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