your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
Randomize
