You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Randomize
