If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
