how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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