I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Randomize
