went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
My vagina just clenched in fear
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
