my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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