break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
