forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
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