OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
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