the new term for farting is butt boxing.
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
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