Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
Did you see Brett Michaels get knocked on his ass?
Hurt me personally.
Knocked his cowboy hat off... Bandanna was still good though
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
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