I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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