To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
