walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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