i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
