just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
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