Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Randomize
