Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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