just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
