I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
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