i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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