I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
