i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
