tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
well, you know. whores of a feather.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
