he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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