I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
