whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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