he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Randomize
